You have beaten me yet I do smile
You have berated me but I still laugh
You have misjudged me and I have survived
You have bound me but never have found me
You have misused me yet I have prevailed
You have discarded me-the stone left unturned.
As a grandparent I get a huge kick out of my grandson, Little Kevin…Here’s a new pic:
That being said something crossed my mind the other day…Aging…That’s right…Aging…NO I’m not depressed about turning 50 later this year or anything, but I am concerned as to what would become of me should Alzheimer’s ever touch my life directly. I had an aunt that suffered from it and it was horrible.
Aside from that, I am an avid movie lover and music lover and I truly hope to instill that in this little man! After all, children are the future are they not?
That being said there is a movie coming out that is on my mind heavily…It is going to be a wonderful film called “Posey”.
This movie stars Sally Kirkland and Christopher Pennock, who is another cool actor that some of you may know from the original Dark Shadows series, where he played Jeb Hawkes! He is currently working on “The Dresser” at the Actor’s Studio, which will open in LA in early October. Also, “The Four Horsemen” will start shooting again too! He also says that he’s recording the new Dark Shadows Audiodrama with Kathryn Leigh Scott…”Sebastian Shaw re-emerges in the Funny Farm!” is how he describes this.
However, this movie is probably going to be an important stepping stone in the careers of both Ms. Kirkland and Mr. Pennock. Alzheimer’s is a horrible disease. It literally robs us of our loved ones while living–bit by bit. My grandson’s paternal great-grandmother has a brain disorder that affects her much the same way, and it is truly a shame. One day she may know my ex-husband and the next day she may not. Sometimes she remembers my sons. As to whether or not she will comprehend being a great-grandmother remains to be seen.
I also had an aunt who suffered from Alzheimer’s that didn’t even recognize her husband who could be standing less than 4 feet away from her…I’ll never forget that either. She would put on lipstick, and then 5 minutes later put on more thinking she hadn’t done it yet…She also cursed like a sailor at times, which was sad because she never cursed prior to the onset of the disease. Slowly it took her from us all. And then one day I got word that her husband had passed away. She never realized it. Then one day, she was also gone. Sad…People who have this, die alone even when loved ones are there and they are aware of someone’s presence. They seem to be trapped in their own world, in their own mind.
That is why this movie is important…It is important because one day my family may be faced with putting me into an assisted living facility or a nursing home. This is the issue faced in the film…The disease is frightening enough for the family members faced with having to care for the victim of this disease, but for the family member who suffers from it–it can be twice as devastating…Here is why the film is important–straight from the Facebook page:
“…The film seeks to examine the seeming hopelessness of the disease and the fear from both the victim and their families, while at the same time finding hope and humor. The film is supported by the Alzheimer’s Association http://www.alz.org/ and a portion of the profits from the film will be donated to help fund research for this devastating illness…”
The film is not yet listed on IMDB but it should be…This could be one of the most important films to début this year. I also feel that this role could get Ms. Kirkland a much deserved statue for a job well done without even seeing a trailer yet. Seeing Christopher Pennock play opposite her is going to be a treat for this viewer as well. Now here is the synopsis–again from the Facebook page:
“…POSEY is the story of Linda Flemming, played by Erica Rhodes (A Prairie Home Companion, Killer Eye, Plague Town) who must make the heartbreaking decision to take her grandmother, Posey (Academy Award nominee and Golden Globe Winner Sally Kirkland), to a retirement home. Posey suffers from the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s Disease, and in a desperate move to avoid the inevitable, she escapes. While her loved ones desperately search for her, Posey finds herself in the middle of a unique situation…one that will change her outlook on her future profoundly…”
I know that the very fact that someone cares enough to make the movie has changed mine. I will support this film with all I’ve got and I hope that others will follow suit. Thank you so much for your time. As I said, this could be one of the most important films to come out this year.
I look in the mirror. It is one world. It is like a picture of me.
The battle ensues–one of anger and one of apathy
another of love and another of trust
still more rage…One of pain and one of sorrow
Then that of grief and total indifference…
With all these wars, can any side win?
I think not. In fact, I know not.
It may seem silly but it is all there-each facet
mentioning two different worlds with the
duplicity in each facet as if it should matter
yet it doesn’t. It just is.
I was called Fallen. I am the one you don’t see or hear. I stood by you when you cried, and told you all would be well. Yet you chose to simply let me fall. I was crushed and broken, but you were no longer there. You built your own Utopia while I faithfully stood and waited. Silently…Hoping for some sign that my fears had not come to pass. Then the rain fell. As each drop penetrated my being, I longed to be part of Mother Earth once again–to have that oneness with something again, for walking on this red road has become increasingly difficult.
At least if I am part of Mother Earth, at some point we will cross paths again and I will feel your warm presence–though you will not know mine for I will be supporting your footsteps as I always have. However, the Great Spirit has other plans for me. I will one day leave this place behind, and the grief I have with it. As the rain washes the tears from my fading tracks, you will come to look for me but I will be gone–as well as my tracks. And when you seek the Great Spirit to return me to you, you will find that he has sent me to where I am truly needed…
And at that point I will no longer be fallen or forgotten. I will be appreciated, needed and loved. I have a purpose yet to fulfill in this life and will not let you drive me to such depths of despair again–let alone distract me from what I must do ever again. Farewell, for soon you will be fallen and forgotten as my purpose on this road unfolds before me. Even now you seek me, but I am not to be found…Please do not ask about me or for me again. I will no longer answer for the ship I am going to leave on is waiting. I shall not look back because I have now risen. Of the two of us, I shall now fly to my new sanctuary. Peace.
Everywhere I look for you an empty space is there…Whether it’s the empty living room spot where you might appear, or your place in my new home where you should be…I would give anything to hear your voice one more time right now. Years ago I saw you for the last time, and my love for you stands to this day.
I believe a lot of people try to fill their empty spaces with many, many things…
Some use relationships–but I don’t need a romantic interest to validate who I am.
Some use alcohol, which numbs the pain, but that space they long to fill is still empty.
Some use drugs, yet the pain is always there–only seeming to be more intensified.
Some use holy roads, but there are so many to choose from, so I wonder if there is a ‘right’ one at times.
Some use power, but that is because they lost their way, and the space is never filled.
Some use money, but it will not buy anything fit to fill that vacancy left in the wake of your going.
Some use possessions, as if one thing can truly replace the spirit that once inhabited that space.
I choose to reserve that space. Even if it remains unfilled, for it is not as though anything else could replace you.
Freedom puts my faith in what you left behind, and believe me, that legacy is a rich one.
Wisdom does dictate that I can create a new space for a new entity–but the Universe would really need to move a bit.
Have a great week!
WAITING FOR YOU
I leapt from the top of the cliff, my wings beating more swiftly than the wind that gave me speed. I swooped down to see the grasslands below and then made a right turn and headed for the south. Instinctively I knew when it was time to leave my nest and go toward the sea, but I waited for you until I could wait no more.
As my brothers and sisters took flight, I stayed just a little way behind them, hoping to find you among them, as we crossed many mountains and rivers. You never came. I then swooped upward into the mist and rose high above it thinking that you played a game of hide and seek.
I began to grow tired as the bright glow I could see was now becoming shades of blues, purples and pinks. I knew I had to stop for the night. As stars began to appear, I took rest with my brothers and sisters. After many days we reached the shore of our new home. As the sun greeted me the next morning, we again began to jostle around and move about, continuing our existence. And I went on living, still waiting for you.
THE ROAD I’VE TRAVELLED
Another winding road–twisting in all directions
taking me with it at every turn like a rushing wind
and not giving me reprieve for one second–
Until I call on Calypso to take charge
So I can just take in the rain she gives
While standing still as that road keeps winding…
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I can just see what people will be thinking when they see the title of this post, but it’s not about what many think. This is not about the “F” word or any other vernacular word one might think of…This is about words that changed me from the creature I was in my youth. I was very afraid of forgiving people. Once I was hurt, I tended to turn away never to look back. Don’t get me wrong–I only did it when it was something severe, but it was a coping mechanism I had that made me withdraw from people. I felt that if this is what humanity is about, I’m better off being a loner–and a loner I was. What people do not understand is that it is hell trying to be around people after some of what I’ve experienced–but I make myself do it.
The use of the rough comments got me sent to the counselor’s office for what was merely a mechanism for my protection. Those who followed a crowd and not the beat of their own drum never impressed me. This is why when the cliques tried to “put me in my place” in their social pecking order in school, they usually got a rude awakening–fast. I always loved it when they found out I was making money so they’d try to befriend me so that I would buy them something (and yes in school this happened). When someone is being “too nice” I learned early on in life that it was always with an ulterior motive from my point of view. Even in adult circles there is always that one person who has “friends” on payday but when they are broke, those people don’t have time for him or her.
That same person is also the one these people “borrow money” from and never want to pay back. There are two groups of people who I never lend money to: relatives and co-workers. Sounds harsh? I’ve seen money issues tear more families apart than anything else on the planet. I’ve seen it ruin friendships too. A mom loans her son $1400 to pay his car note off. He promises to pay it back. The job market goes kaput and by now this guy and his wife are having a baby. His hours got cut back to part-time so they move in with MOM. They agree on certain terms and he pays on those terms, but comes in one night and announces he has two plane tickets to Las Vegas and wants to take the mom-to-be there for a weekend. The tickets cost him $1500 on his credit card. He’s only paid Mom $300 of the loan back. He has only paid his part of what they agreed upon on the bills. She doesn’t know about his credit card purchases but she gets highly pissed because he spent money on a credit card that he probably will have trouble paying, has a baby on the way, still owes her money but he’s taking a vacation instead of looking for a full-time position…Hmm…Sound familiar?
The animosity Mom feels most likely will get taken out on the daughter-in-law, too. I’ve seen that happen a LOT! Then they all get mad and stop speaking to each other. Is that bull worth it? NO. Better to GIVE what you CAN afford to NOT receive back as a GIFT and that way one doesn’t sweat bullets over BS to the point that it creates World War 3. It is also better for those doing the borrowing to just be up front and honest about the inability to pay it back. I respect the person who says, “Hey…I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay this back any time soon but…” than one who borrows and then says NOTHING and won’t talk about it. If one only lends a small amount, then he/she is less likely to get upset if someone can’t pay it back. That means there is some hurt but NO animosity.
Now one might be asking is this about “giving”? No. It goes deeper than that. It’s about two key words people don’t usually have a true grasp of the meaning of: LOVE and FORGIVENESS.
First I am going to tell you what I think love does: Love heals, uplifts, unifies, embraces, comforts, brings peace, adds joy, dispels darkness in others’ hearts, encourages, and when put to the test–it bloody well delivers. Take a look at the disaster 10 days after the Tsunami hit Japan…What do we see? We see people remaining calm, helping each other, and already trying to get on a path of rebuilding, comforting and bringing peace the broken hearts of the people.
We see other countries uniting to help in whatever possible way they can to relieve some of the suffering, and as those people from other countries are within those borders with rescue dogs and equipment rescuing people–there is none of this–”Oh you are this or that, you couldn’t possibly understand what I feel–” No! You see them acting as one team, one body, operating in unison and keeping time to a beat that is in line with the hearts of the people there. There is no division now. At first, some people went on a bit of what seems to be “self-promotion” but it passed quickly. Not even Kim Jong Il is acting up now since this happened. We see people who might not have ever met clinging to each other and trying so hard to rebuild their lives. What is their coping mechanism? You guessed it: LOVE!
Love is forgiving . Does it mean you forget? It can, depending upon the circumstances. According to what people read in the bible, God forgets sins when he forgives them, but we are not God. One can forgive, but that certainly doesn’t mean to not be wise. I forgive and let God work out the rest. I certainly do not envy the Great Spirit his job–he can keep it. Love is also for GIVING. When people give their time or a few words of encouragement, there are times that it is worth more than the gold in Fort Knox. Sometimes those words can stir hearts enough that they begin to make changes within themselves and that is where true change starts–within ourselves.
What we do with that which we are given determines if others find their own way out–like tossing a pebble into the ocean. That ripple continues to spread and not return to the giver as a boomerang would. That is how it should be–give and hope that what you impart is shared somewhere down the line so that someone else benefits from it. There is no greater reward than that anyway, in my opinion. My turnabout came when I sought out my heritage due to one person’s blog post–after getting jewelry from her. If you read the post about the Facebook page that turned me around, then you know where my journey began–and it started with watching a TV show on hulu.com (Dark Shadows) by a fluke one night.
Getting around people is not the struggle now that it was for me for years. I realized one thing about people that I had not realized before. Some will work quietly to make a difference in the lives of those who need them so much while others fight on the front lines. It doesn’t matter which route we choose, but as we feel led, it is the road we must travel. I struggled for years with this. It was a classic struggle between my inner self, and what I thought to be true. What I thought to be true was that given my past experiences being hurt, that most people were inherently evil–and I felt that way since I was a child. I learned later in life that by shutting people out–people were still being hurt because there was nobody there to be a voice for those who cannot seem to find it within themselves to fight back. I always felt that something should change–but was too afraid to step out of my comfort zone in order to do that.
I now have no choice because while on this journey to “find myself” I also found a purpose for my life after all and shutting myself up in the house as well as away from the world around me simply is not the answer. All I did in being a recluse was deny myself and allow others to win. When I gained a spark of hope and kicked the last bar off of my cell door–it was then that I realized that there is more to life than what I was seeing and a whole world out there to explore in my way. Love and hope are the fuel that have allowed me to escape the prison I built for my own “protection”. If you know someone who is like this, please have them read this passage. They are not alone any longer. There is life out there–and even if it’s not so “intelligent” it can be fun! Love, hope and forgiveness all work as a unit to help to kick down those walls and bars.