Writer’s Block…Yes, Nana Had It…

Does anyone really know what “writer’s block” consists of?  I think Johnny Rzeznik summed it up best when he described it as when you think everything you write is crap even though it is not.  We all have these periods where we feel totally uninspired and cannot seem to find our “muse” or hear it when it’s trying to find us…Whatever it is, it does exist.   I have only found one cure for this. You don’t have to buy books to cure it because the books lead you only to one thing to do: KEEP WRITING!  That is right.  Even if you only do this for five minutes a day, just keep writing–even if it is in your own journal.  Sometimes economics preclude buying books anyway.

Sometimes we have a lot going on in our lives–so much that the muse has a hard time getting through to us.  If so, then it’s best to have a lighter schedule and have some “me” time when you can.  I think the big, bad writer’s block bullshit hits us when we have little to no “me” time–or “us” time when it comes to family.  I know people get really hit with it when they are depressed, but sometimes the best cure for the depression is change.  Be open to the idea of it. It may be something subtle–or a whole life-changing experience–but BE OPEN to the idea. Life has a way of changing the road that lies in front of you and it is probably for the best. Perhaps a family visit is in order, too if one hasn’t been home in a while. Sometimes that can wake up a lazy assed muse who is slacking…LOL

I write when I feel like it. Period. I have my days where I write the sappy stuff–which I don’t share because I don’t let folks see that side of me…Why?  Because that side of me is the vulnerable side and I don’t share it much. Then I have days where I totally bitch, rant rave and moan–lacing it with some absurd humor.  When I write music or stories, the rule is the same–I write what I feel and I don’t hold anything back.  It is also the greatest thing on the planet to do it that way because if I am writing a story, I can play God, base a character on someone who pisses me off (usually a bully) and either kill those types off or make them suffer! Gee, sounds like that “Rabbit” character on “Banshee” but I use a pen instead of a knife…Very therapeutic…Non fattening and the suckers who really piss me off keep breathing to get theirs another day when their crap catches up to them!  Watching that happen is the ultimate sort of vindication, I think.

Have you guys seen “Banshee” yet? Well if you’re not into nude scenes, change the channel but the story line totally kicks ass.  Every character on there has a story, a motive, a purpose…I like how they use the .gif shop and website to fill in holes rather than spend too much time on flashback scenes in the series.  It’s pure marketing genius in my book and 2.7 million viewers can’t be wrong. After all, it  is the highest rated series Cinemax has had thus far.  Innovation and ingenuity are key to its success. Plots and such are all original and not borrowed from elsewhere…I love it!

Nana knows this much…

The woman never could understand why people search for that which is so hard to find unless they look within. No one needs to spend a fortune to seek these things out. One only needs to be willing to learn and experience it–and to be silent and listen. Each person must do this on his or her own–wherever their wings take them–and it is nothing to fear. And that person must patiently wait for the answer. Fear keeps many from finding their vision and sometimes looking for it through others can prevent it–especially if we become too dependent upon them. Others can guide us, but we must find our path ourselves, in our own way, in our own time. The process is part of the adventure, and it can be rewarding–and for her it has been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JI2o-nxHd8

I have my mountain to which I run to, and it is where I find my solace but I plan to go to Sedona, AZ or to Pecos, NM for a retreat at some point. There is strength in silence and beauty in places where nature can speak to us.  That being said, I hope you all have a great weekend.

 

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A Day in Huntsville, TX…View on the Death Penalty…

A Day in Huntsville, TX…View on the Death Penalty….

Empty Hollows

The Diamond Fleece

The Diamond Fleece (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Oh my God! She’s at it again! Call her sister quick!”  the woman said to her husband as he came to look out of their window.

There she was…Amy Holloway, firing up the barbecue grill.  It was sprinkling outside. The man shook his head and told his wife, “Just leave that girl be. She has suffered enough with that ex husband to be of hers screwing around two days after her kid’s funeral. I don’t blame her for acting out a bit!”

“You aren’t the least bit concerned that she’s lighting a grill during what is about to be a severe storm?” she snapped.

“Absolutely not.  She did stranger things when she was younger. So did you as I recall.” he countered.

“But–”

“I said LEAVE her alone!” and with that he went into the den to watch television.

What Amy did next caused Mrs. Madsen to  be even more concerned, although she fully understood why this was going on…

She came out with a long white box that held the wedding gown she wore…The same gown that she had hoped to see her now dead daughter Hailey wear.  She put the veil in first then tore the dress to shreds.  She also put it in there.  After that she took the unframed wedding portrait and tore it into five pieces and put it on top.

After that she doused her miniature pyre with lighter fluid and waited for it to soak in a couple of minutes…She then struck a long match and tossed it on top of the contents of the grill as her eyes welled up.

“It is finished. Goodbye Hailey.” she whispered as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

Once the task was complete and the last bit of smoke came up from the grill, she closed it and went inside. She then laid the keys down on the kitchen counter and sat in her recliner.  She looked out the window as the rain began to fall.

“Maybe I should give this house to the church.  That way something can actually LIVE in this place.” she mused as she  reached for the remote control.  Just as she was getting into a movie called “The Diamond Fleece” the telephone rang…

“Hello.” she said…Paused…”Oh it’s you.”…”Yes that’s right! You got the cars so you got the f**king bills now leave me be–” Paused…

“Share the house? You heard the judge. I worked two jobs to pay for this house and bought it well before I met you. Screw you and your girlfriend!” Paused…”How many times are you going to lie and say there is nothing between you now that we–Hold it! I wouldn’t take you back after knowing you’d been with her. I thought divorcing you proved that!”…Paused…”Look, you got one shot. Screwing her after Hailey’s funeral is rather unforgivable so stop calling me up drunk! Your tears aren’t for her or for me. They are for the fact that you got caught and f***ed yourself!” Paused…”Oh…That…I burned the dress. I guess your sister has to buy her own…” Paused…”IF you don’t effin’ believe me then come to the back and check the grill, A**hole!”  she yelled as she slammed down the phone.

“You are far too angry.” the voice inside the front bedroom said to her.  She just sighed and mixed herself a drink.

“You know you shouldn’t have dumped him like that. He’s hurting too.” the voice said.

“He doesn’t feel half of the pain I do.  Now please leave me be for a while.” she said as she went back to the blue recliner with her drink in hand.

“Honey, I think divorcing him without trying counseling is a mistake. He does love you–”

“And you hate divorce, Mother. However if he loved me he wouldn’t have looked at her twice. It made our vows a lie! I would never trust him again after that anyway. We must not have had much of a marriage to begin with for him to do that with her 2 days after the funeral and God only knows how many times prior.  It’s over.” Amy said as she tightly clutched the glass.

“You are wrong. In time you will see that. I know it.” her mother told her.

“Whatever Mom.  Call Tish if you like because that’s all that ever happens when I get angry anymore.  No one can let me vent it and get it over-with! I’m supposed to be the little silent church mouse like the two of you–”

“That is so untrue!  It may be what you feel, but I never wanted you to be anything less than what you want to be. I am proud of you for getting a career and moving up in the world.  I couldn’t give much but I did  give you that.” she said.

Amy turned to face the older grey haired woman.   A tear rolled down her cheek.  “You never told me you were proud  of me before. Especially when Dad was around.”

“Well I am and he would be too–”

“He wanted me to go to a freaking convent!” she said.

“No he didn’t.  He only wanted for  you to learn to control yourself more.  I know you have  a short fuse like  he did, but he always bragged to the boys at the pub  when you succeeded in anything. I only wish you heard it then. All that stuff he said when you were younger–he was just being an ass.  Read his journal and it will prove  that.” her mother told her.

“I honestly think he wanted a boy.” she said.

“Well he certainly didn’t do you any favors taking you to the docks did he?” her mother asked.

Amy smiled, “No he didn’t.  But I’m glad he did. I liked the boats and the guys showed me how to prepare the fish properly.”

“As you got older he made you stay here because the dock hands kept eyeballing you and it pissed him off.” her mother grinned.

“Yeah…Tish told me he hated that!” she laughed.

“Well he was glad when the counselor told him you could be in advanced classes. He signed the papers.” she said.

“Wha-”

“That’s right. He signed them.  He said if it keeps you out of the bars and off the docks, he’s happy.  I know he’d be proud now, Amy.” she said.

“Wish he said it to me.” Amy said.

“He did in a way, Amy.  He gave you the business. That and with your law practice, you’ve done well and I know he’d love that.” her mother said as she walked over to her and hugged her.

“Well, he’s with Hailey now and I’m sure he’s showing her constellations and how the ships know where to go and such.” she mused.

“Amy–”

“But it’s a good thing he didn’t live to see this because he would have killed Michael and we both know it.” she said.

“Amy,  this is all killing Michael. He loves you. He did not want the divorce.” her mother said.

“Doesn’t matter now.”Amy said as the rain began to pour against the windows. She glanced at the remnants of smoke from the grill and the empty swing Hailey so loved.

“And I don’t think you wanted one either. I’m going to lie down.  If you want Michael to be a knight in shining armor, then you had better give him a reason to come out of the bottom of that bottle before he kills himself. He thinks he lost you long before Hailey died. He told Tish that. He’s been lost ever since she fell ill the last time. “  her mother warned.

“Well Mother,” Amy began, “Maybe if he came to me instead of his whore secretary we might have had a chance in hell of actually making it work.   He should have thought of it. I won’t forgive him and nobody has any right to expect me to.”

“All I am saying is that you are probably going to always wonder what may have been if you don’t at least talk to him. Try talking about Hailey. You’re both grieving–”

“He’s only grieving the fact that I caught him and he couldn’t get the house.” Amy hissed.

“You are wrong. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to break it. I’ll talk to you later dear.” her mother said as she went back into her room.

“And I’ll get over it.” Amy said to herself as she continued to take in the blurred view through the window while the rain fell and her eyes once again blurred as they became misty at the site of the swing…

The monument to her lost child…

Two Worlds….

I look in the mirror.  It is one world. It is like a picture of me.

The battle ensues–one of anger and one of apathy

another of love and another of  trust

still more rage…One of pain and one of sorrow

Then that of grief  and total indifference…

With all these wars, can any side win?

I think not.  In fact, I know not.

It may seem silly but it is all there-each facet

mentioning  two different worlds with the

duplicity in each facet as if it should matter

yet it doesn’t.  It just is.

Nanahood Resolutions….

 

The time has come for change.  For one, I am cleaning up the blog.  While I do have a strange outlook on some things, I realize that it is because the people that were around me at the time left me rather jaded in thought. I tended to put everything into these neat little boxes of my mind and I  would compartmentalize them so that if someone or something did not make sense to me, they ended up there–my virtual “cornfield”.

Either way, it is time to change my attitude, my life and possibly (after the grandson comes) the latitude. I can no longer hide here. I am going to branch out. I’m getting back to the writing basics again…My family matters. My grand kids matter. This crap about holing up and only talking to a few select people is over.

If I get stuck, I go back to Lauren Vasil’s blog,  www.fizgiggery.com  for some inspiration…Or to Momsicle’s blog…Given the recent post on the little blue dot in Lauren’s blog, I decided that although we’ll probably never see space travel in our lifetime, it would be nice to be able to see places like this from a ship!

It looks almost like something you’d see in a video game or in sci-fi doesn’t it? It’s actually a view of the Carina Nebula from the hubble telescope. I really do consider space to be the “Ultimate Wonder”. It is infinite and timeless.

However since time tends to be somewhat of an enemy, it is best to concentrate on things that I would like to see here–like the world we live on.  Maybe someday I will get to do that.  The thought crosses my mind every time I look at my poster that I made.  I’ll put it up here on my next post, but I really want to position myself better than where I am now. I want to be an inspiration to my grand kids–and to teach them that there is much more to the world than what is right in front of them.  I hope that makes sense to you. It does to me.   It may be time to simply go forth and expand my horizons.  Have a great week!

 

How to Make the World a Better Place

Yes…Another new one for me.  Everything actually begins from within though.  How will I make this world a better place? Here’s a few things I work on…Eventually I’ll do more:

1.  Never live a lie. In other words, don’t commit to something or someone you cannot give your all to. Doing that hurts the cause you’re representing or the person who needs someone who is committed to them 100%. It’s like  a one-way reflection.  Not fair to the cause–or to the person–whichever the case may be. Honesty is always the way to go.

2.  I do my best to make people laugh, even if I’m the butt of the joking regarding my self-depreciating sense of humor.

3.  If I don’t need it, I’ll give it to someone who does.

Simple and short, right?  It’s a start.  Been doing this for a while now, but the first one is coming much easier to me than the 3rd one!

What will you do to make this world a better place?

I want to see this place so badly!  Have a great weekend!

Fallen…Forgotten…

I was called Fallen.  I am the one you don’t see or hear.  I stood by you when you cried, and told you all would be well.  Yet you chose to simply let me fall.  I was crushed and broken, but you were no longer there. You built your own Utopia while I faithfully stood and waited.  Silently…Hoping for some sign that my fears had not come to pass.  Then the rain fell.  As each drop penetrated my being, I longed to be part of Mother Earth once again–to have that oneness with something again, for walking on this red road has become increasingly difficult.

At least if I am part of Mother Earth, at some point we will cross paths again and I will feel your warm presence–though you will not know mine for I will be supporting your footsteps as I always have. However, the Great Spirit has other plans for me.  I will one day leave this place behind, and the grief I have with it.  As the rain washes the tears from my fading tracks, you will come to look for me but I will be gone–as well as my tracks.  And when you seek the Great Spirit to return me to you, you will find that he has sent me to where I am truly needed…

And at that point I will no longer be fallen or forgotten. I will be appreciated, needed and loved.  I have a purpose yet to fulfill in this life and will not let you drive me to such depths of despair again–let alone distract me from what I must do ever again.  Farewell, for soon you will be fallen and forgotten as my purpose on this road unfolds before me.  Even now you seek me, but I am not to be found…Please do not ask  about me or for me again. I will no longer answer for the ship I am going to leave on is waiting. I shall not look back because I have now risen.  Of the two of us, I shall now fly to my new sanctuary. Peace.

My Sanctuary

Another Empty Space…

Everywhere I look for you an empty space is there…Whether it’s the empty living room spot where you might appear, or your place in my new home where you should be…I would give anything to hear your voice one more time right now.  Years ago I saw you for the last time, and my love for you stands to this day.

I believe a lot of people try to fill their empty spaces with many, many things…

Some use relationships–but I don’t need a romantic interest to validate who I am.

Some use alcohol, which numbs the pain, but that space they long to fill is still empty.

Some use drugs, yet the pain is always there–only seeming to be more intensified.

Some use holy roads, but there are so many to choose from, so I wonder if there is a ‘right’ one at times.

Some use power, but that is because they lost their way, and the space is never filled.

Some use money, but it will not buy anything fit to fill that vacancy left in the wake of your going.

Some use possessions, as if one thing can truly replace the spirit that once inhabited that space.

I choose to reserve that space. Even if it remains unfilled, for it is not as though anything else could replace you.

Freedom puts my faith in what you left behind, and believe me, that legacy is a rich one.

Wisdom does dictate that I can create a new space for a new entity–but the Universe would really need to move a bit.

 

Have a great week!

 

The Aurora Borealis appeared in Nebraska in 2006….It is one of the wonders I wish to see!

Farewell My Warrior

I stood up here again today.  I waited quietly for the sign or a word from you.  I felt so alone–isolated and unloved without you here.  I kept dwelling on why you were taken from me, weeping softly as the willow trees harmonized along with the wind.   It was then I felt the embrace of the South Wind.  The warmth of it made me aware of a presence I hadn’t noticed before.   I felt as if I were being embraced when I was asking why you were gone.  I looked to my right and saw a number of blue jays in a nearby try.  They didn’t move even if I moved closer, but kept watching me…

It was then I remembered something else–a story an old man in the village had told me about how the cardinals and blue jays watch over us at times.  I could almost hear you telling me that it was alright.  I could almost feel you wrap your arms around me in that wind.  Then the clouds started to blow in and a mist began to fall…I then heard the cry of the Eagle.  I knew the time to mourn would pass and that the Eagle would guide me to the point to where I could find you.

I began to walk further into the forest on that mountain and the rain began to fall.  I found a cave and went inside.  The storm grew worse, but I knew the Eagle guided me here for a reason. As the thunder roared and the rain quenched the thirst of the forest, I felt a slumber come over me.  I laid down on my jacket and closed my eyes.  I then walked through a field toward a magnificent lake.  The mountains there were much taller than here and had more green trees and beautiful flowers. It was there I saw the white stallion.  You once promised me that when I saw a white stallion, it would mean that I would go to another land, far away from the land of my tears.

I had little idea that when I arrived back home, a plane ticket to a place called Montana was waiting for me.  I guess that it is there that I will discover a new world–and a new life.  I did not know that I would be needed elsewhere, but you did.  You told me this long before I lost you.  I will go forth now and will shed no more tears.  This was meant to be.  What awaits me there, I am not sure, but I know that when you told me that I would leave here, I never thought that I would have to live this vision alone.  Until we meet again.  Farewell, my warrior.

The water behind the mountain ahead...